


5 Times Tony Stark Carried the Weight of the World and the 1 Time He Let Go

by dls



Series: We Were Young Once, Full of Violence (now you're silent, and I'm breathing the cold) [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1, Broken Team Dynamics, Civil War Team Iron Man, Gen, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pro-Accords, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 19:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9287330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dls/pseuds/dls
Summary: Tony Stark learning about responsibility, accountability, and consequences - and how one man was not meant to carry the world alone. Starting with Iron Man and ending with Civil War.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Beta-ed by [Arboreal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arboreal).
> 
> References/Quotes:   
>  Pacific Crest Trail is a reference to _Wild_ , a book (now movie) about self-discovery.

**One.**

Many articles described Tony Stark's experience – such a mild word for  _pain stop no_ – in Afghanistan as transformative, hailing his futuristic vision and praising his financial acumen for bringing Stark Industries to new heights. Funny how the voices extolling his accomplishments had also been the ones that ridiculed his mission to cease weapons manufacturing. Success had a way of turning the popular opinion in one's favor. No one complained when their pockets are full.

Tony, however, would disagree with that assessment. He would say he was still himself and reject all comparisons between himself and a butterfly,  _no thanks People Magazine_. His tastes remained the same, maybe he drank for additional reasons but he still preferred scotch so that must count for something. He merely had his eyes opened and understood the need for accountability. Tony saw and  _felt_  firsthand what his weapons did, who his weapons killed, and where his weapons went. He was able to change that, and so he did.

To rid the world of Stark weapons was easier said than done.

Tony encountered pushback from the board, condemnation from the public, and doubt from his friends. The last one was the hardest to bear, but it was also the strongest fuel for his new quest. Systemically, he convinced the board with new and lucrative patents, he impressed the critics with ingenuity, and stood firm in his conviction to prove that  _no, this was not a PTSD episode, Obie_. With the help of JARVIS and the capabilities of the Iron Man suit, Tony tracked down and destroyed all stray weaponry, some destroyed with lines of code and others with spectacular explosions. He could feel the weight on his shoulders ease with each decommissioned missile, disabled firearm, and deactivated bomb. It felt like progress, after years of stagnation in his father's shadow. Then Stane and the Iron Monger happened.

In the aftermath, Tony realized while he could stop himself, his company, he could not stop the world. The world was filled with people who loved to create without consequence, who craved efficiency and supremacy, and who Tony had no control over. Tony Stark wasn't enough, but Iron Man made up the difference; together, they got it covered.

 

**Two.**

Tony meant it when he said "I am Iron Man." Iron Man represented the best parts of himself (responsible, heroic, and strong) and mitigated the worst (reckless, selfish, and weak).

Iron Man protected the world from the likes of the Ten Rings and Stane and Hammer, who cared not for the welfare of the people but for the acquisition of power. Iron Man was a shield against the never-ending flow of weapons in the world. So Tony was understandably upset –  _enraged terrified panicked_  – when the Senate held a hearing over the ownership of the "Iron Man weapon." Tony hid behind his mask of the flippant playboy, irrelevant genius, and entitled billionaire who absolutely did  _not_  like to share.

Tony finally felt in control and had only just started sleeping without nightmares –  _shock drowning blood_  – when it all slipped away. Palladium poisoning was a danger he had not foreseen and could not combat with Iron Man. Tony would have to solve this on his own except he had no idea  _how_  or  _why_  or  _what_. He did know  _when_ , so he worked with what he knew. Pepper understood and supported his vision for Stark Industries, and honestly, she was the much better CEO than he ever was.

Vanko was a dirty thief who had no respect for the Grand Pix and ruined Tony's plan to let Iron Man die with him. Witnessing his work, his legacy, in such a bastardized form was devastating but also illuminating. 

The world needed Iron Man, so retirement was out, but replacement was acceptable. Rhodey was the best man Tony knew, which both said a lot because he knew many people and also very little because Tony did not surround himself with the best crowd. Tony knew Rhodey would use the armor with integrity and, in the end, that was what mattered.

With all these measures set in place, Tony was mostly alright with his impending demise (and found some comfort in his ability to keep his dramatic flair). So he was torn between gratitude and bitterness when Natasha and SHIELD intervened because  _seriously, where were you earlier?_  Tony felt mostly relieved when Vanko was defeated –  _dead_ – along with the pirated arc reactor, and he tried not to dwell on the fact that death seemed to always be the answer. He focused instead on the one essential –  _deadly always deadly_  – detail he had overlooked: reactive responses weren't enough and preventive measures were needed.

He didn't know where to even begin, but he would figure it out, he always did.

 

**Three.**

Compared to all the metaphorical weight Tony took on, the nuke in his hands felt almost weightless. It had been nice to have a tangible problem with a straightforward solution. Too bad the solution led to more problems, an  _armada_  of problems. The shawarma afterward had been a nice and distracting reprieve, but the heaviness in his stomach was more than just Levantine food. He had seen the vastness of space and the enormity of an army they had no knowledge of and no way to fight.

For the first time since Afghanistan, Tony felt powerless. Constructing the suit of armor –  _cave dark Yinsen –_ had given him control of the situation and the needed to find that solace again.

Tony prepared for nearly every contingency: firepower, defense, stealth, supersonic flight, deep sea, durability,  _space_. If asked, he would say he was motivated –  _scared terrified panicked_  – by what he had seen through the portal. The Iron Legion, an armor of armors, helped quiet the frantic buzzing in his ears but never truly silenced it. So Tony tinkered, built, and strategized. Entrenched in his tunnel vision, he didn't notice  _his_  world falling apart while he was busy keeping  _the_  world intact.

The Mandarin seemed like a bad joke after The Battle of New York, and Tony almost missed the easier early days of facing amoral businessmen –  _why Obie why_.

When it did turn out to be a bad joke, Tony felt cheated that he didn't even get a chance to properly prepare witty zingers because  _Pepper_. Watching her fall was eerily similar to flying a nuke into an alien portal and but he wasn't the one falling this time. 

He wished it was. 

It somehow all worked out in the end. Though memories of Pepper, with Extremis glowing underneath her skin, haunted him. There was a difference between handing someone a weapon and turning someone into a weapon.

Destroying the suits was, as Pepper would say, dramatic but Tony was all about drama and he was making a statement that he  _was_  Iron Man, with or without the armor. He finally understood that he alone could not address all possible threats and neither could an army of suits bound to his will. Global security was a tough gig, but if anyone could do it, it would be Tony.

 

**Four.**

Ultron, as Tony had envisioned it, was a peacekeeping initiative that protected the Earth and minimized the number of lives lost in the process. With a suit of armor around the world, weapons would become obsolete and heroes –  _was he a hero?_  – could avoid one-way trips that led to endless nightmares.

When the Scarlet Witch had shown him the vision of his greatest fear, he thought for a moment he had fallen asleep, because he saw the same deaths and echoes of the same sentiment almost every night: _you could have saved us_.

Tony was confident in Ultron's capabilities but he also knew it wasn't designed with  _magic_  in mind, though it was becoming more and more likely that a  _magical insane alien god_  was their biggest threat. Loki's scepter seemed like a godsend; in retrospect, though, he should have remembered _he can't have nice things_  for a reason.

Ultron, like a horribly predictable sci-fi villain, was homicidal and hell-bent on destroying mankind in order to fulfill its objective of "peace in our time."

Tony probably should have seen this coming, but he just didn't think his life would be reduced to clichés. He quickly cataloged the top three killer A.I. –  _Skynet, H.A.L. 9000, and Auto_  – which reminded him, when this was all over, Tony was totally doing a Wall-E night with his bots.

Movie night never happened. 

Guilt drove Tony to create another artificial intelligence, both to defeat Ultron and to prove that not everything he touched turned to ash. 

He became Iron Man to stop war and misuse of technology, _he failed_.

He built the Iron Legion to handle for every contingency, _he failed_.

He programmed a global security system to anticipate and neutralize threats, _he failed_.

Every time he fought for peace resulted in destruction.

Vision, though, was worthy in ways Tony wasn't. Maybe Vision could break the cycle, maybe Vision  _already had_ but Tony didn't know for sure. What he did know with certainty was that Tony Stark and Iron Man weren't enough.

 

**Five.**

Tony had been distancing himself from The Avengers in what he hoped was a surreptitious manner which was completely  _intentional_  because he was absolutely  _not_  disappointed when no one came knocking on his door. He spent more time at M.I.T. and focused on fostering the creative minds of the next generation.

B.A.R.F. – _he promised he'd change the name but his inner six year-old snickered every time_ – was meant for more than reconciling his last conversation with his parents. It was to help him see where he went wrong with his life as Tony, Iron Man,  _consultant_ , and Ultron. He was working his way up to that last one.

The Lagos incident was an unsurprising surprise. It all came back to people. First it was the Ten Rings, terrorists but still people, doing unspeakable evil. Then it was enhanced people, some working for good and some not so good.

Now the lines blurred, and  _good people died_  at the hands of  _other good people_. Tony thought about the all-encompassing guilt he felt over Ultron and the crushing responsibility he'd felt to save the world.

It was too much for one man to carry.

It was too much for a team to carry.

The weight had to be redistributed and shifted, accountability had to be established, if only just to have a group of objective experts to tell him  _it wasn't your fault._

Steve's refusal to listen was a surprising surprise. For someone who talked about fighting for the little people, Steve sure wasn't willing to listen to them. The Sokovia Accords were drafted by  _one hundred and seventeen_ nations, nations comprised of these "little people" who voiced their outrage and grief, who demanded change and consequences. Consequences that Tony had been handling alone, relief efforts and charitable foundations and urban revitalizations; he was exhausted and growing bitter from the lack of awareness and acknowledgement from his team. Was a  _thank you_  really that much to ask for?

Despite their ignorance, Tony continued to look out for The Avengers, to protect them from the pain he was crumbling under. He had given up on keeping the world safe but he could and would protect those in his world. He was more than willing to carry that weight for them – hours of political negotiations wrapped up in a pretty bow, his gift to his team.

 

**One.**

It all escalated so quickly.

A planted bomb, a frame job, a collapsed tunnel, a giant crater, a destroyed –  _evacuated, thankfully_ – airport, and  _Rhodey_.

Then Siberia. A video, a question, and  _lies_. Two super soldiers with no hesitation versus one armored man who still cared too much.

The outcome was all too predictable.

Tony was left heartbroken, literally and figuratively, in a freezing cave. It all came full circle,  _a hole in his chest, broken, cold._ But Tony was a fast learner if nothing else, and this time he vowed to make a different choice as he dragged himself to rest against the wall and wait for FRIDAY to realize the suit was offline.

He was done. Completely done. 

Broken under the immense weight of the responsibilities he piled onto his own shoulders.

Worn down by the failed attempts and the disastrous results.

Exhausted from the sudden realization that he  _wasn't_  Iron Man without the suit in the most literal sense.

Out of the armor, he was just a man, a fragile and flawed man. He was no super soldier, secret spy, ancient god, or a green rage monster. Tony Stark was a man who thought he can carry the world by himself. Maybe that was what Natasha meant, talking about his ego. Or maybe not. But it didn't matter because Tony was done with that delusion and it was time to focus on taking care of himself because the people who would couldn't and the people who should wouldn't.

So Tony made plans to see someone for the PTSD because  _enough was enough_. He thought of ways to remind himself to eat and sleep and exercise because  _he wasn't getting any younger thanks Peter for driving that unpleasant point home_. He debated retiring Iron Man but decided against it because  _he liked being Iron Man and might like it even more now that he wasn't holding himself responsible for the world_. He drafted plans for Rhodey's new legs. He spent the rest of his time thinking about the Accords and the Avengers –  _they really should change the name_  – because superheroes still needed accountability and the world still needed superheroes.

Tony would be willing to stay on as a consultant, focusing his time on recruitment, assessment, and development, but he wouldn't be  _responsible_  for them, not the way he used to be. He would support them and maybe grow to care for them but in an  _entirely healthy and reciprocal way_.

A choked laugh echoed in the empty room. He was making such  _progress_  and he didn't even need to hike the Pacific Crest Trail to figure all this out, just years of disappointment and trauma and betrayal.

Vision's form floated through the walls, head neatly popping out by Tony's shoulder. He held Tony's hand as they waited for Stark medical team to arrive, a bonus of setting up hospitals and relief societies all around the world. Tony would recover, and readjust, and reinvent. Later, interviewers would describe Tony's experience – such a mild word for  _did you know?_  – in Siberia as transformative, and he would smile and wink and call himself a "magnificent butterfly."

**Author's Note:**

> [dls-ao3.tumblr.com](https://dls-ao3.tumblr.com/)


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